So it makes sense that at times in the middle of it all, even those with incredible faith will have feelings of being overwhelmed. I would almost say "worry" or "fear" but so far, God has granted us an incredible peace in this unknown territory we're beginning to tread.
As I stare at this medical needs chart, I can get undeniably a little overwhelmed. And let me tell you, I've been staring at this thing for months now -- and it hasn't gotten much easier. There are medical terms we've never heard prior to to this year. There are terms with a long-list of implications following every one. No matter how much you research a particular need, you feel you know so little about it in the grand scheme of things.
We have to turn in this daunting medical needs chart this Friday to our social worker and agency. I've looked at the medical needs chart as being the gateway to our child. This chart will be what opens an initial door to our child. The agency, when matching a child, first looks at which needs the child has, and which families are open to those specific needs (among other things taken into consideration of course). So in the end -- this medical needs chart is paramount to finding our child.
Billy went ahead and did a final review of the chart and mentally checked off the needs he'd be comfortable with (after researching). He then reviewed the chart I filled out to see if we were on the same page. Interestingly -- we were! That gave some extra peace in this decision-making.
As you fill this chart out, you're supposed to only check off needs you and your family will be "comfortable" with. Comfortable meaning:: comfortable with the amount of attention and care the need will take, comfortable with what's covered under your insurance policy, comfortable with further unknowns regarding the need; over-all, just comfortable in a number of ways. I've prayed over this chart for months. But even now, I look at this chart, and on one side of the coin I have this indescribable peace. Peace in the fact that my God is in control. He knows who our child is. He's got this! Peace in the fact that no matter what "need" our child has, they will still be our child and we'll simply do what it takes to care for them -- just as we'd do if Ms. Cosette or Micah had the same need.
On the flipside of the coin though, I have a sense of being overwhelmed -- after-all, Billy nor I have ever experienced any of these needs first-hand. Our current children are healthy. They've never even broken a bone! Shoot -- I've never even broken a bone. They've never had anything even remotely seriously health-related wrong. The worst? Their eyesight and vision. Lazy eye, far-sightedness, and one, a year of vision therapy. But that's it. Nothing else. Nada. And so -- when I read terms like, "anal atresia," "club foot," "extra fingers and/or toes," "limb difference" -- I admit, my brain is questioning "Can we do this?" But every time my brain begins to question, something inside says, "WE CAN do this. So many others have. Our God IS in control."
Ontop of all that, you feel as though you're saying no to a child every single time you leave a box unchecked. That's a tough pill to swallow.
We walked into this knowing we could cover the first phase's costs. Other people walk into adoption having to scrounge up money for just the application fee alone. Those stories are encouraging to me. I've lost count of the stories that display God's provision in adoption. Amazing stories. Believe me -- it's easy to look at these costs and be overwhelmed. Ontop of these costs -- we're left weighing out the unknowns after we bring them home. Out-of-pocket medical costs. Potential therapy costs that insurance may not cover. While we do feel a sense of "How are we going to do this?" We also have this indescribable-amazing-peace God has given us. No other way to explain it. In our feeble-human-minds, we would've easily walked away from beginning this process. We would've never signed up for this. But God stretched out His hand, asked us to follow, and so we've simply taken a hold of it -- and we're allowing Him to guide us through this. We could easily fall into "fearing the unknown," but we are putting our complete trust and faith in Him.
When you take big leaps of faith, far outside of your fleshly-comfort-zone, you'll understand faith and trust more than ever before. After-all, you're at your most vulnerable state. You're completely reliant and dependent on Him. Our faith and trust in Him is as strong as it's ever been. And while it's not about us, I'm thankful for this opportunity. I'm thankful God chose us to walk this path. Even when it takes us to the unknown. Takes us to the can-we-really-do-this. Takes us to frightening medical charts. Takes us to hard-and-heart-breaking-questions about birth-families. Takes us to the gut-wrenching-waiting. Takes us to how-will-we-pay-for-this. And takes us and brings us down to our knees on the floor by our beds in fervent-and-desperate prayer. I'm thankful. And I know we will be so-incredibly-thankful for that little boy or girl we'll be holding in our arms months and months from now.
"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.
By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead.
By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: “He could not be found, because God had taken him away.” For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith.
By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going." Hebrews 11:1-10
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