"How Did You Decide to Adopt?"

"How did you decide you wanted to adopt?" "When did you decide you wanted to adopt?" "Did you feel called to adopt?" "Did you and Billy just mutually agree to?"

These are some of the questions we've received since letting others know about beginning our adoption process. I think some of these questions come from some who have actually considered or are considering adoption themselves. It's said that about 60% of all people at one point consider adoption, but only 1-3% of that 60% follow through at some point. 

While in the decision-making phase, I had trouble finding first-hand accounts on how people came to decide to adopt. I read books that asked the reader practical questions, but I was hoping to find more personal stories on how couples came to the decision.

So -- I figured I'd write a post on this, figuring maybe, just maybe, someone out there will be sparked with it if they've too been thinking about adoption, and just don't know how to discern whether or not it's a "calling" or something that's "right" for their family. Plus, maybe our family/friends can get an inside look at how we came to our decision. This post by the way, can only give you a piece of the picture -- just as any piece of literature does. There is a lot that goes into making such a big decision (I've pretty much condensed years, and hours upon hours of reading, considering, and praying all into one measly blog post).

First, no one but you, as a couple, knows whether or not adoption is right for your family. And with that said, life is all sorts of complicated (can I get an amen?), and I very well know how confusing knowing what's right for yourself and for your family can be. Even if it's just deciding where to go on vacation next year -- let. alone. adoption. It's a daunting task, and I believe that's why so many run from adoption after thinking about it.

Second, being led to adoption happens in different ways. Don't feel if this post doesn't resonate with you in any way that adoption isn't right for you. Also, don't jump the gun thinking it must be for you if certain parts resonate. It's just measly ol' me speaking here -- so take what you read with a grain of salt. :-)

Disclaimer:: I'm far from an authority on the issue of deciding to adopt. This is simply our story, one of many upon many others. I can only speak for ourselves. For instance, a couple who's struggled through years of infertility will have a different story to tell. There are many books/resources out there that share how others came to decide as well! On our family adoption blog, I have a page in the tab-bar of resources:(www.stumpfamilyadoption.blogspot.com)

Most simply, here's three main basic pillars when deciding to adopt that I've found (and basically made up -- ha!):: Convict(ion), Desire, and Consider(ation).

From Naïve-Conviction to Deeply-Embedded-Desire

I've always thought about adoption, even since I was a little girl. When thinking about it then, I didn't know much about it. I simply thought in my young-and-naïve little head that it was a good thing to open your heart to a child that needs a family. That was pretty much it. I also had dreams of opening and working in an orphanage in a third world country, so maybe God had been working on my heart for the fatherless as a young girl. I couldn't fathom not having a mom and dad since I had both and so it broke my heart to think of other children not having what I had.

I brought up adoption casually ever since Billy and I got married. Very casually. He was always open to the idea, that is, after having children of our own (and being in the right place to do so). For several years we were definitely not in a place to adopt. We had two young children to raise, financial stability to gain, and much more. Adoption, however, was still tucked away in a corner of my heart.

Side note:: If your husband/wife is not open to adoption -- simply pray. You cannot (at least shouldn't) convince them. They need to come to the decision on their own. You can help educate, but be careful not to persuade or manipulate them.

Over the past few years however, adoption would untuck itself from that corner and come closer and closer to the surface. I found myself yearning more and more. Those yearnings eventually grew to groanings. I found myself thinking about it more and more. And eventually, it felt as though small signs were being dropped consistently, making it nearly unbearable. It was as though my heart had a huge gaping hole that needed filled.

It's important to note that adoption wasn't dropped to us on a big-lit-up-sign with colorful letters with the voice of God telling us to adopt. Not at all. I think most Christians are looking for a calling or a sign just like that. I think most of us would agree life would be easier if God worked in that way, all the time. All I can say is that perhaps, He placed it as a seed in a young girl's heart and let it grow over time, and eventually that yearning infectiously passed on to that young girl's now-husband.

(Here's what I think about "callings." I think many Christians miss out on a lot when they only look for the big grandiose lit-up sign type callings. I think God is just asking His people to say a simple-immeasurable-faith-like-a-mustard-seed-YES. Can you defend it biblically? If yes, then go from there. Of course we should be careful not to answer yes to something that perhaps we shouldn't, but more often than not, we are *too* fearful. And I believe too often than not, we quickly say no, make up some excuse, and even claim God "shut the door." We can make a habit of shutting doors ourselves, and claiming God shut them (ouch!). Imagine a world where Christians died to self more often, and lived a life of sacrifice, and began saying "yes" to various things they felt they ought to do, but for numerous reasons don't. (I know I've missed out on many opportunities myself by answering a fearful or self-centered "no" a many countless times. I still have a ways to go -- that's for sure.)

Over the past year, adoption overwhelmed every ounce of my being. Call it coincidences or "all in my head," but I'd turn on the TV, and adoption would be the topic. I'd see something in the mail: adoption. I'd see a little boy or girl: adoption. I'd listen to a song: adoption. I'd dream: adoption. I'd open a book: adoption. Reading God's Word: adoption. It was as though adoption was being spelled out infront of me, constantly. Even if I wanted to run away from it -- it'd come looking for me. And there were parts of me that felt like running away -- my most inner-fleshly-self would whisper sweet-nothings in my ear about having a good life with just two kids, a decent home, a nice vacation every year, and much more. But -- that fleshly-self was squashed time and time again and I found myself overwhelmed with this desire. It was no longer a conviction that a once-little-girl felt. It had grown into a desire. A need. A want. A child somewhere, at some point in time needed us. And I needed them.

I knew Billy was over-all open to adoption -- just eventually. I just wasn't sure if he'd be open to it soon. We talked about our future plans for kids, and I shared my desires. I was careful to craft my words as to not manipulate/or to try and convince. After we talked, it was as though it was an instant mutual agreement that we'd adopt, and adopt hopefully soon. Billy was fully on board, and now that yearning was blazing in his heart like it was mine. You bet my heart felt as though 1,000 little pink fuzzy bunnies were hopping from cloud to cloud. We both now had the desire. The need. The want. One night while talking he said, "I just want them in my arms. As soon as possible."

Talking with others and speaking for ourselves, I can say many would agree that adoption first starts as a simple-naïve conviction, like it did for me as a little girl -- and maybe a poorly thought out theory, but I believe the 60% of people who have considered adoption fall into the "simple conviction" area or phase. It's simply something many people know is a good thing to do. Charity I dare to say. A good deed. This though isn't enough to decide to adopt. Not. At. All. In fact, if you're only thinking of adopting out of a "conviction" to do so, it's good to say that you should seek other forms of charitable giving instead. Help fund an adoption. Give money to help give life-saving surgeries to orphans. Mentor fatherless youth. Sponsor a child. Volunteer on a missions trip that helps serve in an orphanage. There are various ways to help.

Like I mentioned before, that simple-naïve-conviction to adopt slowly grows steadily into something far more. It grows into a desire. A need. A want. Conviction thrown aside, you simply want a child. You yearn for a child. You need a child. You figure if there's a child somewhere that needs a mommy, daddy, and family, and you need them -- why then wouldn't you adopt?

Consider:: Are We Really Ready?

After that simple-naïve-conviction grows into a deeply-embedded desire, you begin examining the practical side of adoption -- and you have to really consider many aspects to decipher whether or not your family is ready to adopt. Among many questions you need to ask yourself and your family -- some of these are ::: Can we financially afford another child? Is our house ready for another child? Are we emotionally ready for all that entails in adopting a child? Are my other kids (if you have any) open to adoption? Are they ready? Do we meet all of the eligibility requirements of adoption? Is our marriage strong and healthy enough? Do we understand the grief and loss our adopted child will have experienced and will experience throughout his/her life? Do we understand the financial cost/fees involved? If adopting medical/special needs, do we have good health insurance? Possible weekly therapist appointments? Are we ready for the loads of paperwork and over-all scrutiny that comes with the adoption process? Do we have the time to spend with our child (they will need all the time you can give them in the coming months home with them)? Are we ready to handle potential undiagnosed needs now or later (even if adopting a "healthy" child)? Are we ready to deal with the grief and loss that our adopted child will experience throughout his/her life? Lack of sleep? Are we ready to deal with the tough questions regarding their adoption story throughout their life? Are we ready to chase a toddler around again? Are we ready (if adopting transracially) for racism possibly directed at our child? Are we ready (if adopting transracially) to be thrown in the spotlight in public, and to be asked uncomfortable/inappropriate questions? These are just *some* questions we've had to really consider, and there are numerous resources that can help you decide whether adoption is right for you.

So, what do you do at this point if you answered yes to most of the questions and many more above, and you *really* have a deeply-embedded desire for adoption? From here you need to pray like you've never prayed before. Read like you've never read before. And learn like you've never learned before. Check out library books -- not just the fluffy ones, but ones that cover the *real* issues concerning adoption. Follow adoption blogs. Talk with any adoptive families you may know -- if you don't know any, there are *numerous* adoptive families online that are happy to share with you (it's their desire to see and help other families adopt).  I've reached out to bloggers earlier on in our decision-making, and they were happy to correspond with me, even though I was a total stranger. Use this period to learn as much about adoption as you can. You can then decide which type of adoption is right for you and your family, which agency to use, which homestudy agency to use, and more.

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Adopting for the wrong reason (relating back to adopting simply out of a conviction)::: the other day I saw a depressing comment from a grown up adoptee. My heart hurt over this. She was clearly hurt and bitter. It's important to state that I absolutely don't know the intricate details of her story. But she basically said, "Can we call evangelicals adopting for what it is? Baby selling." She went on to mention that her adoptive parents basically only adopted because it was "the right thing to do" and for reasons to "evangelize."

No doubt that this has happened in the past. And for this reason now -- Christians advocating for adoption are *very* careful concerning this issue, for this very reason. There have been grave mistakes made in the past regarding this very issue -- but over-time it's become apparent the more knowledgeable we've become, the more we know, the more people are adopting for the right reasons. Of *all* the adoption stories I follow and read, families we talk to, even current processing ones -- it's clear that nearly all or a huge majority of Christians adopting are in it for the right reasoning -- they are not in it to simply "save" children. For the most part, they simply wanted and desired more children and decided to do so through adoption (which is the first and best reason to adopt).

With all that said however, I've seen some go so far as to ignore the basic reality of adoption, which is (undeniably) the fundamental fact that there are children here and around the world that are in a desperate need of a family, a home, basic needs, and for many, life-saving medical care. Some will be on the streets eventually, sold into sex slavery, some will die at a very young age --- this is the grave reality behind waiting children, and one we cannot trade in for political-correctness when speaking about adoption.