Friday, March 6, 2015

Right Under Your Nose

You may be young, unmarried, and not looking to get married anytime soon, at least before you're at least 25-30 years old. Or, you may be married, without kids, attending college, and looking forward to establishing yourself in your dream career. Or, you may be young, though married, *and* you have kids. Surely there's more to life than just staying home, scrubbing toilets, constantly doing dishes, cooking, and cleaning up spit-up off your shirt constantly? Your husband has a master's degree, and he works full-time at a job where he consistently receives accolades and pats on the back. You? Your accolades simply have names, run on two legs, and scream from time to time; and the only pat you get is a child smacking his bottle on your back. If someone were to take a picture of what you look like during the day versus your husband and show it to a stranger on the street, they'd say he looks like a prince, and you look like a pauper. Surely, surely there's more to life than spit-up, crying, messes, and cleaning?

I grew up in a home with a stay-at-home mom. I recognized full-well the benefits a SAHM brings to the household. I was very grateful for that. I was grateful for a mom to come home to after getting off the bus from a long day at school. But, all around me was the message that girls are only empowered and fulfilled through higher education, dream careers, monthly paychecks, dress suits, and business trips. I, like many other girls, didn't see myself as simply "just" being a homemaker early in life. Like every girl, I figured the 20's were meant to find your calling, and *live* that calling - which couldn't be done with a husband and kids at home. 

Dreams

I abhorred housework early in my marriage (and I was young - just 20). Waking up to start the day was a complete drag for me, even though I had a wonderful husband to see off to work, and two sweet little smiling faces to tend to for the day. I was taking online courses to finish my associates. Then I decided to go for my bachelors. I, too, like many other young women sought desperately for my 'calling.' I felt more and more pulled toward Criminal Justice. I had dreams of becoming a FBI agent, and my long-term out-of-this-world dream was to become the FBI director. I know, crazy right?!  But, the world around me had done a swell job instilling in me that even though I was a girl, a woman, I could absolutely do *anything* I wanted to if I "set my mind to it." Happiness isn't fulfilled through babies, husbands, or housework after-all. It's only fulfilled when you get to throw on your black high-heels and go off to work with a cup of Starbucks to tote.

Contentment

I was pretty happy early in our marriage. But with abhorring housework, dragging my feet out of bed, constantly looking for ways to reach a "higher" calling, I didn't know it then, but I wasn't content. I was content with my husband and my kids, but I wasn't content with where I was, and what I was doing. I didn't recognize that, and I didn't recognize that fully for over eight years until I learned what it meant to be content. There's a point where it's fine to search for your calling, but there's also a point where you realize that it's right under your nose, and has been there all along. There's also a point that in continuing a search for a calling leads to discontentment which then leads to other issues.

At some point I went to work. I figured it'd be what I did from there on out. I figured eventually both of my kids would attend the local private Christian school, and I'd go off to work daily. At that point, my husband decided to get his master's, and I wanted to keep up, besides, I loved taking classes and had always wanted to keep furthering my education. (Why do we feel we need to "keep up" with our husbands? As if it's a competition.) I went ahead and received my master's. And that future dream job looked closer in sight. 

"...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." - Philippians 4:11

God had other plans

But God had other plans. And boy have I learned that His plans are usually so far off from ours. Though I received my master's, I ended up leaving that job and going back to staying home. During that year of working, God had got a hold of me. Slowly, gradually, I felt pulled toward going home. My little girl kept telling me she wanted "me back home like it used to be." I began counting the hours, and days my time was spent *away* from those special blessings from God that we all too often take for granted. We then felt pulled toward homeschooling because my husband was taking a job that would require him to travel three weeks of every month, and we wanted to be able to pick up and travel with him whenever we wanted to. That was a tremendous time of growth in my life. A huge awakening.

Fast forward a few years, and here I am. I wake up joyfully. I get out of bed. I make my coffee, and look forward to beginning the day with the kids. I'm truly content. Why am I content? I've relinquished my constant searching for a "higher calling," and have realized that it's been under my nose this whole time. I no longer undermine my role as a stay-at-home wife and mother (and educator to my kids). In fact, I know I'm more fulfilled in what I do, than I would have been if I kept seeking an outside job, even if it was in the field that I spent so much study in.

"...train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their husbands..." - Titus 2

Got what we bargained for

When the womens lib and feminist movement started, they sought ways to make women happier, more empowered, more fulfilled. Interestingly, women are actually *less* happy than they were when that movement started. Why? Shouldn't they be *a lot* more happier if they've got the careers they've always wanted; equal pay, nicer homes, basically everything they bargained for? What's missing? I've found what's missing. Studying true biblical womanhood, I've found that most women *run* away from God's most intricate, natural calling for their lives. Bits and pieces of feminism has affected every single one of us - whether we want to believe that or not. It's slowly, bit by bit infiltrated the Church. We've bought into the lie that we can't be completely happy and fulfilled without reaching for something outside of being caretakers, homemakers, wives, and mothers, when in fact, every fiber of our bodies were uniquely and intricately designed for those exact things! Our fight against God's design for us has emasculated our men, it has broken down marriages everywhere, it has left children fatherless, and that issue alone has caused a whirlwind of problems in and of itself. Is it any wonder women are a lot less happy than they were when they were happily filling roles of natural womanhood? They've just piled up the amount of responsibility on their plates. We've got what we bargained for, and  *whole lot* more unfortunately.

Are you telling me I have to get married, have kids, and stay home?

Does this mean a woman has to be a mother to fulfill her biblical role of womanhood? No. A mother's main job is that of a caretaker, and there are women everywhere who are not mothers, but are still caretakers. Does that mean a woman has to be married to fulfill true womanhood? Again, no! There are women who go through life unmarried, but yet still live out biblical womanhood for their lives. I think of my aunt who lived her life single, once fostering two children, and passing away never knowing the love of an earthly husband. Her life was unique in the fact that she probably understood the bride of Christ concept which is spoken throughout God's word better than the rest of us. Her only and true groom was Christ, and in Him, she had true fulfillment; fulfillment many of us can't as fully grasp since we pour most of ourselves into earthly things and beings.

A problem dating back to Eve

To begin to grasp true biblical womanhood, we need to understand its opposition and go back to Adam and Eve, and the distinct roles God set from the start. The sin women face themselves, can be traced to Eve's first sin of disobeying God, and betraying the role in which she was to fulfill. I think it's very telling that Eve was the one to take of the fruit. As you know, Satan has tried to completely ruin God's unique and blessed design all around. He succeeded with Eve, and continues to do so in many women's lives today. Eve made many mistakes the day she gave into the lies of the serpent. One being she did not seek Adam's counsel. Her and Adam's relationship was pure and perfect before that point. In fact, it was paradise. Something every married couple could only dream to have with one another. Why do you think Satan was so intent on destroying what God had designed, and was so pleased with? I believe Satan knew what he was doing for sure. He knew that Adam and Eve edified and exemplified God's glory through their relationship. And just why did Satan go to Eve to give his sales-pitch? Eve simply did what women do all the time these days - doubt the goodness of the Lord and His will over her life. Notice any similar thoughts that seem so common these days?: a want for independence, doubting the goodness of God, thinking we know better, dwelling in our right to choose whatever for our lives. Interesting isn't it? What concepts are running rampant in our age, were the very things that Satan used to convince Eve to eat of that fruit! Satan made it look so good, and so enticing. Evil is always disguised as some sort of good in order to prevail, and this was surely true in the Garden of Eden that day. Those very lies were from the pits of hell, and those are some of the very lies that gave the feminist movement it's momentum. Keep in mind that any movement has to be laced with some type of small "truth" or seemingly "good" in order to prevail, just like evil needs to be disguised as good.

Giving into the lies

For a long time, I had no idea, but I was also giving into the lies. I was no better than Eve. I sought independence in my own fragmented ways. I sought a calling outside of God's most natural one for my life. I sought to undermine my husband in very small ways that I didn't even notice. I'd do things, although seemingly small, without seeking his counsel. Although thinking I was trying to find God's way for my life, I was seeking my own. Sound familiar? I'm betting the majority of Christian women can relate to this, because over time, our feminist-laced culture has little by little affected our thought-processes, whether we know it or not. Even those of us that have been studying true biblical womanhood, will never know how entirely affected we've been over time to the lies the world has thrown at us. 

It's RIGHT under your nose!

Why am I going back to Eve when talking about the calling on my life, or my want to fulfill my role as a woman? A true woman of God that is? It's because I believe in order to understand our sinful nature as women, our every sinful desire, we need to go back to the source of it. When we trace it back to its source, it's very telling, don't you think? In seeking God's calling on my life, I was actually shutting Him out of the details, just as Eve did. Looking back, I can see Him repeatedly pointing right at my household now. At my husband. My kids. I was looking elsewhere though. Have you ever had your child lose something in the same room they're in, and while they're frantically looking for whatever it is, you notice that it's right there infront of them? You point it out, and somehow, just somehow, they still don't notice it! How frustrating! "It's RIGHT infront of you! Look! Right there!" Over the years, God was pointing and telling me, "Look! It's RIGHT under your nose! Just trust in ME. Trust my goodness. Trust my will!" My core sinful nature didn't want any of it - which is why I kept searching *outside* of His true calling and will for my life. I was looking outside of His will, outside of my home, outside of everything that was right under my nose the entire time.

Isn't there more to God's will than *just* staying home?!


Does that mean my calling is simply just staying home, tending to my household, teaching my kids, and making sure a homemade meal is on the table by the time my husband gets home from work? For the most part, perhaps. But God can still use me outside of my household, so please don't get me wrong. I can still give myself in needed ministries. I can still be used to encourage a friend or to help them in times of need.  My core ministry though is right in my home. My core calling has been right under my nose this whole time. I can't tell you how relieved I am to have come to that full realization. I've learned contentment, true contentment. I've recognized the immeasurable amount of good I can do alone in my home. I've learned to do dishes, to clean laundry, to sweep, to make my bed, to cook, to teach my kids, to do devotions, and to tend to my husband's needs with complete joy. And with that, I'm fulfilled in what I'm doing. God has done a tremendous work in me over the past few years for sure. I'm a far better person for it, I promise you that. His work in me is far from done though.


A root lie about contentment

Contentment is a funny thing. In Chip Ingram's Five Lies That Ruin Relationships, lie #5 is that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. He gives reasoning as to why a change in scenery rarely improves the view. This certainly rings true for me. In finding contentment, I kept looking outside of where God was wanting me to. I felt a "change in scenery" would fulfill me more. Boy was I wrong. Usually it's *us* that needs to change in order to be more content, not the scenery around us! This lie can cause so much destruction in our lives, especially in our spiritual walks, and can hinder us from finding our *true* calling leading to *true* contentment. People many times will go on the false premise that God wants them to be happy, therefore needing to change what they feel makes them unhappy concluding that something must not be in the will of God (e.g. a relationship/or marriage, education, a job, a move, you name it). What a lie from the pits of hell itself! No wonder the world around us is in such a mess! We're so good at throwing blame on everything but ourselves, aren't we? We're so blind to see that we're the ones that usually dry and kill the grass on our side of the fence to begin with (or at least contribute in some way). I don't know about you, but I won't give into that lie. I want to be content with what I've got on my side of the fence. I want to nurture and water it. I want it to grow plentiful. Not for my sake, but for my husband, my kids, and all those around me.

"...there is great gain in godliness with being content.." - Timothy 6:6

I'm here to encourage you to see that your calling may be right under your nose, as it was for me. A change in scenery isn't always the key to finding fulfillment or contentment. And a change in scenery isn't exactly always the key to finding God's call on your life. Don't be afraid to embrace God's most natural, intricate and precious design for who He made you to be. Your greatest mission field first is your husband and children. Do not overlook the monumental value you are in that field alone. You are of priceless value in that. If only more and more wives and moms would come to this realization and step up to the plate. Imagine the difference that alone could make in the world?

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Tear Soaked Pillow Redemption

I was 17. I had been raised in a loving Christian home with two wonderful parents. I attended church three times a week. I knew every bit about salvation. Knew every bit about sanctification. Every bit about the marvelous miracles Jesus performed, and the miracles He performs today through His people. I knew every bit about His love, His forgiveness, and His ultimate grace. Surely a young girl growing up in a loving Christian home understanding (or seemingly understanding) these concepts of faith would grow to be a faithful Christian, right?

A Tormented Mind...

I was tormented. I knew what was right. I knew the truth. Despite that though, I felt pulled in two different directions. I was being shown one way at school, another way at home. The influences were strong and overwhelming. My mind was slowly being desensitized to the things of this world. I was tormented. And my senses were slowly deteriorating. Deteriorating to sin. To wickedness. Did I see it that way though? I felt having sex with your girlfriend or boyfriend was normal, though I was taught it was wrong at home and at church. I felt smoking weed was what everyone did (although I didn't give into that one). Partying? Just something every kid does for fun. Crude jokes? Just part of life's daily humor. The power of influence is Satan's greatest tool. In my case, that certainly rang true. Interestingly though, I saw myself as a leader though an outsider for the most part. I refused to give into drugs. Refused to try alcohol. Refused to party. Refused to smoke. Doesn't sound like a totally terrible kid, does it? Despite keeping level-headed on those things, my mind was where all the damage was taking place. Sin had defecated itself throughout my mind. It permeated it. It overtook it. It crept in so easily through the consistent, persistent, egregious, meandering of subtle lies. And I nurtured it. I didn't feel I had a choice. My mind had been subjected to trash day in and day out. How can a young, impressionable, easily influenced mind survive such an aggressive routine?

How Could I..??


All the time allowing sin to creep in and embed itself in my young life finally caught up with me. There, at 17, I found myself pregnant. I had been dating a guy for two years, and needless to say, things happened. Around the time I conceived, I would later find that it was around the same exact time I had tried to break away from him.  I was in denial for at least a third of my pregnancy.  Day in, day out, I kept wishing something else was going on. I *couldn't* be pregnant after all. How could I be? How could I let this happen? How could I do something so stupid? So wrong? How could I betray my parents? How could I betray God? How could I betray myself. My future. The baby inside me's future. My future husband. How could I?

Tear soaked pillow...


Every night I laid my head down on a tear soaked pillow. Mascara stains. I would flip it to the other side, only to stain that side, then wash it or cover it so no one would see.  As if I didn't already feel hopeless, shameful, and dirty enough as I was prior to getting pregnant; now those emotions would nearly consume, if not nearly annihilate me for the next months. There were nights in my very immature feeble mind that I had told God to take my life; to allow me to "go" in my sleep. I couldn't live with myself. The thought of hurting my parents after they had been hurt so much already overcame me. Overcame every ounce of my soul and being. I was tormented to the core. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and the tunnel was seemingly millions of miles long. It was a despondently endless, dark, hopeless, irreversible tunnel that I found myself looking through.


Not Alone but Alone...

I wasn't alone at school. In fact there were a few other girls who were seemingly walking in my shoes. Pregnant and all. They were seemingly happy though. Their parents were walking along them. They had little regret. They were preparing for the days to come with baby showers and all. Me though? I was dragging my feet through that long dark tunnel alone (for the most part); alone because I chose to be alone at that time. I'd go to school hiding my pregnancy; I'd run out of classes to go throw up in the restroom (or in the hallway) because of severe morning sickness. Why was my case so different? Perhaps God was the difference. He was getting a hold of my heart. Maybe this is what was needed to make that possible. This was just part of the process. Part of the process that needed to take place to make me whole again. He was wringing my heart. Molding it. Recreating it. Have you ever felt as though your heart was literally being squeezed? Mine was feeling that way.. It was the hands of God reaching in and gently, molding my heart;  the same heart that had been damaged so many times. Little did I know God's hand would grip and mold it for years to come from that point forward. This was only the beginning. Why? Because I needed Him. At that very vulnerable, hopeless point in my young life, I had realized He was the very thing I needed. My prayer for anyone reading this, is that it doesn't take such a drastic, traumatic experience to come to this very same realization.

Silence is broken...

Days turned to months quickly. I hid my pregnancy until I couldn't hide it any longer. Night after night. Day after day. I simply walked that long, endless, dark tunnel on my own. Then the day came. A sister of mine pulled me to the side, alone, and asked that dreaded question all while knowing the answer in her mind, "Are you pregnant...?" All the days, and all the nights of walking that dark tunnel alone was changing in that precise moment. Everything around me stopped at that moment. Life stopped. Nothing moved. Nothing but the beat of my heart. I answered her, she tried to console me, and said she'd take the job of letting our parents know so that I didn't have to. A part of the weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but the fear sank in deeper as I came to the full realization that my parents would soon know. Their world would be shattered yet again. And soon after they knew, everyone would know. People they attended church with, my aunts and uncles, siblings and in-laws, my cousins, everyone at school, nieces and nephews (that I was to be a role model to), respected elders, you name it. My world, although already certainly spiraling down, was about to turn over completely.

After the news was out, and it was all said and done, that long dark endless tunnel began shining bits of light through. Surely there was an end to it if light was trying to shine its way through. Surely. 

Redemption...

Those nights of tear soaked pillows turned to nights of redemption. Nights I could finally comprehend the reality of what was going on. Nights I realized that it wasn't the end. Nights I began surrendering to the Lord. Nights He made His presence known. Nights I realized that the baby growing inside of me would need every ounce of me. Every ounce of my well-being. And my well-being was dependent on my growth and dependency on God. I recited Psalm 30:5 nearly every day through that time. God was my redeemer through the darkest of nights; nights of tear soaked pillows; nights and days through that long dark tunnel. Once I started seeing bits of light shining through the end of the passage, I assumed it was God's grace shining through the end of that tunnel; it may have been His grace shining through, but it was His son who was walking me through it.


And all of that was only the beginning. It would be years of processing in my life. The stigma that follows a young unwed girl who gets pregnant follows her all the days of her life. The dirty looks. The assumption that you're promiscuous (and some may even go as far as calling you a whore). The assumption you're just a dumb young mom. The awful ongoing realization that you didn't provide the God-given natural familial structure a child should have. I know I'm forgiven, but I still feel and see the effects of a quick decision I made as a teen. Others still feel the burn in different ways as well. Others I love dearly. If I dwell too much on all that though (which I did for a long time), I can easily find myself stumbling back into that tunnel. God brought me through, and I will not go back. (I say this as a warning to others so that they know the seriousness of sin. I'm not here to tell you everything turned to peaches and cream. Sin and all the consequences that come with it is to not to be taken lightly.)

How Will You Answer?...

I'm here to tell you that you don't have to walk that awful dark tunnel alone. As long as you choose to walk it alone, the longer and darker it will seem to be. There is grace waiting for you, and there is Someone willing, hoping to walk it with you. And your tear soaked pillow is soaked for a reason. That means you're alive, despite feeling so dead inside. You're fortunate you're feeling the way you are. Many others don't feel this way; their hearts are hardened toward the Holy Spirit's conviction and calling. And let me tell you, that's a dangerous dangerous place to be. If you're feeling those heart-wrenching tugs, that means your heart is being wrung. God is working whether you know it or not. It's your choice as to how you answer Him. How you handle your situation. Will you allow Him to work in you? Walk with you? Believe me, it's not something you want to do on your own, whatever it may be that you're going through. You have two options. Will you choose to let Him do the work in your heart so that you can use what you're going through for His glory and your well-being? Or will you refuse to heed His call, walk that endless dark tunnel on your own; never finding the light; never living in the way He's calling you to? I look back, and I praise God I didn't choose to do it on my own. Oh how I would have failed miserably on my own! Oh how miserably I would've failed that precious baby I had. Failed in every capacity of my being. Most importantly, failing God.

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace..."  Ephesians 1:7

Your redemption is calling. Please, please don't overlook it.

Truth in Love Always,


R.