I Used to Think *I* Was a Good Person

I used to think I was a good person. 

I used to have to "think" about what "sin" or ugliness I was dealing with. I'd say to myself, "I don't lie. I don't envy. I don't drink. I don't lust. I don't [fill in blank]." Boy, even though I may have not been doing "all those things and more" I was still fooling myself to think I was "just fine" or ya know, a "good person." What partially helped attribute to my "feeling fine" was growing up in a church that taught mostly "what not to do" versus "what we ought to do." It's easy to think you're great-and-dandy when you're not doing "any bad things" but when we examine the things we *ought* to be doing is when the ugliness in our hearts really surfaces.

So as time goes on, the ugliness of my heart is increasingly exposed.

Ironically? The ugliness gets more exposed the more I grow closer to Him. Odd isn't it?

As we tread through this process, many aspects have left us vulnerable -- exposed.. I feel as though my heart has been laid out on a table before me, and God is poking and prodding at it. Layer after layer is being pulled back. Nothing is hiding. 

Layer after layer of fake is pulled back. Ugly after ugly is exposed. IS there true beauty and goodness in there -- somewhere? 

The questions. Questions about why we would choose to adopt internationally when we should be adopting "our own here." Questions about surely not adopting a "disabled" child (newsflash:::all are *able*  in God's eyes). Adopting a child that has medical unknowns -- "Why would you do that?" Hints here and there that cuter kids garner more attention and the likelihood of being adopted. Dear God, have us see these children as YOU see them! My, how ugly of people we can really be.

Who are we kidding? Every day we 'Like' a post showing a cute little girl that just happens to have Down Syndrome singing and dancing. It makes us feel all good inside -- throwing a layer of what appears as beauty over our hearts to cover up the true ugliness -- the true ugliness that says that little girl is cute dancing, living, eating, and playing in someone else's home -- but certainly never our own. The ugliness that says that our own comfort and lifestyle and future hopes of blessed-retirement means more than possible life-long-care-giving (even though our retirement's laid up in Heaven). We throw these layers over our hearts to hide what's beneath. The deep-dark-beneath we don't want others to see -- sometimes, what we don't want ourselves to see.

We go back and forth and back and forth again on the special "needs" we're open to. True -- you should only be open to what needs your family can handle. But, are there needs we simply aren't open to because of our own selfishness? Comfort level? The deep-down-ugliness of our hearts? 

Every day we read an "inspiring" story on the plight of orphans finding families or receiving the care they need, foster children finding forever families, etc. We may even 'Share' these stories; again, blanketing a layer of what appears as "good" over a heart of ugliness. A heart that says $30 a month is too much to sponsor a child so they can have food in their belly. A heart that says 3,000 square feet of space is still not enough to add another child. A heart that knows *that* would just make life "harder."

We shout from the rooftops how horrible it is to not allow refugees in our country during times of certain crisis. Yet, when was the last time we invited a needy stranger into our home for dinner?? Ah, but shouting and posting makes us feel like good people. 

Every day we pass by a homeless person. We blanket a layer of 'goodness' on our hearts by giving a couple dollars. The ugliness of our heart hides beneath and echoes that we can't take even two minutes to get to know that person. Tossing a couple dollars is easier after-all -- it makes for a good easy layer to quickly throw over the ugly.

Is true beauty in there somewhere? Is it just buried underneath all the fake and ugly layers in our hearts???

Here is the good news :: There IS true Beauty in our hearts. Christ alone is that beauty. The fake stuff we like to layer on over the ugly? The ugly itself? That's just our fleshly-fallen-human-selves. And all that ugliness and fake -- it's covered in God's grace -- even though we are so undeserving of it.

It's my prayer that God keeps exposing the ugly and fake layers of my heart by pulling them back and that He helps me truly layer on His true beauty, goodness, and grace -- all by edifying and exemplifying Him through all my thoughts, words, and actions. And by laying down *my* own selfish-fleshly-desires, and picking up His. 

*I* within my own self can never be "good." Only HE that is within me is good.

"He's still working on me...
 To make me what I ought to be...
 It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars..
 The sun and earth and Jupitor and Mars...
 How loving and patient He must be...'cause He's still workin' on me."