Saying Goodbye to Our 40 Lbs of Joy

What started out as a wonderful birthday, ended as what could be seen as the worst.

We had just traveled from Iowa the night before. The day of my 30th birthday we ate at one of my local favorites for lunch and went to a cookout by the pond with all my family in the evening. We ate, the kids kayaked, and we played sardines with all the kids (a type of hide and seek game).

Then suddenly, unexpectedly, our baby, Bowser (dog) passes away. All we know is he was over-exerted. We rushed him to the vet, around midnight, and they told us they couldn't find a heartbeat.

He was lively and incredibly energetic soon before, and now...gone. Just gone. My baby...gone.

The drive back was daunting. I was grieving but knew we had two kids we'd have to sit down to tell. Two kids who adored that lil flat-faced 40 pounds of joy. Two kids whose worlds nearly revolved about him.

The first night and following day are somewhat like torture. To see your kids mourn. Comments like, "There was so much I wanted to do with him." or "He was the best dog..." or "It'll be so hard to go back home...without him...to an empty house.." To hear quiet sniffling and crying as they tried to fall asleep only to wake up with blank faces in a daze forgetting that there was no lil tail-wagging dog to greet them good morning.

Ms. Cosette came to me, trying to lift my spirits and said "We can try to find another dog like him, Mommy.." I put my head down as I felt tears about to scream from my eyes and thought though never said.. "But all I want IS Bowser.."

Quite honestly, I never understood the hype and obsession with dogs prior. I couldn't stand the baby-talking, and all that. Of course I loved animals, but never fathomed having one on four legs in my house, in our beds, or on our couches. Not until Bowser that is. Then I'd become the crazy-baby-talking dog person. He taught me what it was like to really, really love an animal and to truly appreciate God's creations to another level.

Bowser would sit at the table and watch the kids do schoolwork. He'd go outside and play with them all the time. He'd take turns sleeping with both at night (it was as if he wanted to be even with both). He didn't mind big sis dressing him up in fairy wings and tutus. He was quite the trooper. He adored his walks and rides in the car --- you couldn't say "bye-bye" without him rushing to the door and excitedly jumping up and down to go. He'd annihilate any stuffed toy there was around, except for baby dolls -- he'd leave those alone and would even lay with them. And he was ornery. He'd grab something and run and loved being chased. He loved his dad. He'd wait at the back door right around 5:30 knowing dad would walk through that door at any moment. He was smart. If he saw something good on the table that he wanted - he patiently would wait for us to leave the room in order to sneak it off the table. He also figured out how to open the upstairs gate by pulling the lever to pop it open. He was so sweet, and loved any bit of attention he could get. He also loved chasing red dots (lasers) - so much so, that he'd quickly squeeze under beds to get one when we'd flash it underneath. He loved snuggles and always had to be with us -- so much so, we could leave the back gate wide open and he'd never run out of it -- he simply wanted to be right with us. Boy, was he our baby.

We had him for over 3 1/2 short years. And while this was so painful and he was gone what felt like far too soon, we're so grateful to have had him added into our family because he brought such a joy to our house. We've had so much fun with that lil guy. So much fun. What I'd give to just hold him again. To squeeze his squishy face and baby-talk to him as ridiculous as I'd sound. To hear his snore or grunt. To see his upside down floppy-mouth grin face while we rubbed his chest. To say, "Daddy's home!!" and to see him go wild in excitement. May have "just been a dog.." but he brought so much life and joy and was all of ours baby. He is truly irreplaceable.

Ms. Cosette has talked about another dog. Some may not understand that - but it's a coping mechanism for her. The way I see is there are now two holes in our hearts. One is a Bowser shaped hole. Nothing will ever fill it -- nothing but fond memories. Then there is a general, no specific-shaped-dog-hole in our hearts. So, we plan to get a dog soon in hopes to go back to Iowa to not a dogless house -- but one that will still have tail-wags and excited barks. A quiet house with an empty dog crate would be too painful for us all.

Being in Ohio at this time is some of a blessing. I believe if we were back home, it would be extra painful. Here, we're staying with family and keeping busy with this or that -- and this isn't where we lived as a family prior to Bowser passing. I totally get what Ms. Cosette is talking about with how painful it'd be to walk in our house, to see an empty crate, and just silence. No excited barks saying "Let me out!!" -- no tail-wagging excitement greeting us. No parading around the house with a bone to say "I'm happy to see you!!" And so if we got another dog, it wouldn't be to replace Bowser, but to say that Bowser was such a good dog, such a joy, that it's too hard to imagine life without one.

The kids said that if dogs go to Heaven, then Bowser is probably driving Jesus nuts. And he's enjoying the fattest, juiciest steak ever.

We love you, Bowser.

 

Read More

Shut the Front Door!; Learning to be Flexible to Open Doors

One thing I've definitely learned in marriage, motherhood, homeschooling, and life in general is the meaning of flexibility. I'm sure you can relate in some form or another!


As new moms, we quickly learn the need to be flexible with our schedules -- after-all, it isn't just us we've got to worry about anymore. And I don't care how organized and scheduled of a person you think you are -- kids will definitely rock and overwhelm your everything-has-a-time-and-place-type-personality. There's no scheduling projectile vomit in the car on the way home from Panda Express (after-all, you had no idea your little boy had motion sickness). There's no scheduling a broken wrist at the park. Or scheduling that moment in the store your baby potties through their pants and you suddenly freak out realizing you forgot an extra change of clothes. Flexibility mamas; we're not queens of scheduling so much as queens of flexibility.

I like to think I'm scheduled in our homeschool. But the truth of the matter is that I'm more flexible -- but, that's a bonus! A spontaneous decision to head to a park on a warm sunny day? You bet. Sickness got you down? No problem. Forgot you had four (yes four!) house showings that winter day? No problem -- just pick up the schoolwork and go to Tim Horton's. Homeschooling's unique in the fact that some of us do it partially for the flexibility (and I love it!).

So life happens. Schedules change. Flexibility is a must.

We learn that flexibility helps us grow. And learn. It helps us become better people. After-all, all of life's big changes require some amount of flexibility. Things won't always go our way, no matter how much planning, wishing, and scheduling we do, mamas.
There are times we're a bit stubborn, and we DO want things to go our way, and panic when they don't. Truth be told, I never wanted to move out of state early on. I never wanted to move even an hour from my hometown. I stood firm and stubborn with the notion that moving like that wouldn't be what's "best" for our family. (In the end I became flexible and allowed myself and our family to walk through an open door which led us to Iowa.)

I, as I'm sure you can relate, like to plan things and know what's coming around the corner. I also like stability. And I'm just not a super-duper spontaneous-type person. I've got my ideas of what's ideal, what's best for the family, ya know, the whole nine-yards. Us moms like to believe we're in control and perhaps that's the mama-bear in us. We've got hubbies and families to protect after-all! That mama-bear trait is simply a God-given motherly instinct instilled in us, and it's such a precious gift for us women --- but if we're not careful, the mama-bear in us can get fiercely out of control and also make gods of ourselves. 

 ~A man's heart deviseth his way: but the LORD                                                    directeth his steps.~

In order to do what God calls us to do -- to be who He wants us to be -- we've got to be more flexible. Flexible with every fiber of our beings; flexible in our marriages, with our children, and over-all in life in general. We've all heard "The Lord will shut the door if it's not meant to be." I get that to a degree -- but I look around and through simple observation, it's quite obvious that we as Christians are the ones to shut the doors ourselves. Often. We're not flexible to God's callings. We're not open to them. We're stubborn and we think we know best. Other than being flat-out disobedient to God, we basically make gods of ourselves when we hold the steering wheel like a little brat and tell God to take the backseat. We want full control, after-all, the mama-bear in us thinks we're simply doing what's best for our families.

 - For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither                          are your ways my ways, saith the Lord -                                                                            

I'm slowly and stubbornly learning to be more flexible for Christ, as I have in other facets of my life. I've slowly and stubbornly been letting up the reins and handing it over to the Lord. I want to fully surrender for what He has in store for me and my family -- even if it's not all rainbows and unicorns and hot chocolate fudge sundaes. I want what He wants for me even if it means the storms, low valleys, and unforeseen territory. I'm done controlling. I'm done with disobedience. Shutting doors. Done making a god of myself through mama-bearness. I'm done trying to live life as if it's all about earthly measures; after-all our treasure's stored up in Heaven. And our retirement lays there, not here on earth. 

We sometimes make a habit of controlling our families and children as if they're ours to protect. So when we begin to realize that they're God's property -- not ours, and that they've only been given to us on loan from Him is when we begin to relinquish control over to our Savior. After-all, He knows best. We don't. Yes -- even the mama-bear in us.

 ~There are many devices in a man's heart;                      nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that                                                                 shall stand.~

So how do we control our families instead of letting God be in control? Here are four key factors I've found that have kept me from letting Him be in control (never too late to change!):

• We don't pray about decisions we make nor consider all options. 
• Everything regarding our plans in life need to be evaluated and prayed over. Your child's education? Pray over all options and sincerely seek out the option God is leading you to. Don't assume one option is your only option. Where there's a will, there's a way. Many parents don't pray over this, when this is probably the most imperative parenting decision we make for our kids. I know I've failed in praying for many decisions in life.

• We constantly look toward nicer earthly things and how we can "get ahead." 
• Perhaps God doesn't want us to get the bigger house up on the hill with the picket white fence. We too often assume God blesses us with "bigger and better," but what if He's wanting to bless us with the smaller? That just doesn't sit well with our fleshly-selves and earthly-minds.

• We either don't seek our husbands' full counsel in decision-making or planning, and when we do -- we manipulate to get what we want (again, "mama-bear" knows best, right?) -- or we simply talk them into it without encouraging their full guidance.

• We don't consider the uncomfortable -- in the end shutting doors God would have us walking through.
• We like our comfy couches, big screen TVs, microwaves, fast-food, and everything that makes our lives easy. I mean -- who wants to make their lives tougher than they need to be? We want to get through life with as much ease as possible. If we look toward biblical examples and God's people in the Bible, we notice a stark contrast in how they lived out their lives for Christ in comparison to how we try to live ours. What's the difference? Of course it's the 21st century, but at the same time it's quite obvious we're stubborn and find it too hard to surrender and become living sacrifices unto the Lord like the apostles did.  

So in the end, we need to learn to be more flexible for God. We quickly learn to be flexible in nearly all areas of our lives (parenthood, marriage, homeschooling, work, etc) -- so much so that we all too often forget to be flexible for God and what He would want for us and our lives, and for the precious people in our lives we quite frankly find too hard to fully trust God with. We may claim God's ultimately in control -- but do we really allow Him to be? 

Time to relinquish the mama-bear and control freak in us and hand it all over to God.

Read More